What is resentment?

What does resentment feel like to you? Does it feel like a tightening in the jaw? An urge to roll your eyes? A huffiness that guides how you see your spouse? People are different, so we’re all going to have different ways of doing. Some of those are things we learn to accept and love about our partner. Others are those that step over our boundaries and fill us with anger. What we do when our boundaries are trampled is a great predictor of our relationship’s healthiness and joy. And WE are responsible to that other person to speak up.

Anger is what happens when our boundaries are crossed. Resentment is what happens when we either don’t enforce our boundaries, or we haven’t stood up for ourselves. That’s when the illness of resentment and bitterness seeps in and festers. Resentment is what leads to long marriages of rolling eyes and “staying together for the kids.” It is criticism. It is also “shutting up and doing it anyway.” And it. is. everywhere.

How I Got Stuck In Resentment

A few years ago, I was in supervision and talking about the banal pieces of opening one’s own practice, like boundaries around client contact outside of session, setting my fees, etc., when my supervisor said something that changed my life.

“Don’t do anything that would make you resent your clients.”

I mean, this is obvious, right? Resentment has no room in the therapeutic relationship (and let’s expand that to ANY relationship). My beloved clients are bravely coming to talk candidly with me to receive grace, challenging, and a mirror to see themselves more clearly. Healing includes learning how to receive and make boundaries in a firm, loving way. Yet, I hadn’t done that fully, and I felt ashamed when I realized I had let some nasty feelings creep in.

In my life as a therapist, I let myself feel frustrated when a client asked me to have a last-minute session in my already-packed calendar. I felt frustrated and controlled by my circumstances, feeling that if this person “needed” me, I should do what they asked. So, I didn’t say no! Of course, these incidents continued, I rearranged my calendar or stayed late, and I felt swamped and frustrated. I was creating my own problems.

…and How I Got Out Of Resentment

I had to learn to change course. I learned that it was my responsibility to set up clear expectations from the get-go and to hold those boundaries even when it’s uncomfortable or I get pushback. It is not my client’s responsibility to read my mind that I’m doing this thing but I’d rather not so don’t ask again… that’s against everything I teach! It is each person’s responsibility to voice their needs and wants!

Instead, I’ve had to learn to confront the situation. I’ve had to say “no, I’m not available” many times. And it is sooooooo uncomfortable! I feel like I’m “mean” or that I’m “letting them down,” yet, I have to remember that I have a life, too, and I’m not my client’s only support. Actually, they probably have the skills to support him or herself! Instead, I’m being loving by also helping them to learn that having boundaries and respecting boundaries is necessary to healthy relationships.

What is therapy other than a microcosm of the real world? If I notice that my client has done something that has overstepped my boundaries, it is my ethical obligation to tell them. Otherwise, they could keep doing it to other people without knowing that it’s unhelpful, and they’d stay in a harmful pattern. Their relationships could suffer from this same pattern.

How to Notice Resentment and Establish Boundaries

Now, I have to slow down when I get a request.

Here’s my step by step process that is led by my DBT skills training:

1. When you get a request, STOP! (DBT Skill breakdown: stop, take a step back, observe what you’re feeling, proceed mindfully)

2. Observe what you are feeling. Ask yourself: “Am I experiencing dread, bitterness, or resentment at this request?” “Would I do this out of obligation or out of the joy of my heart?”

   • If you’re not sure what you’re feeling, tell the person you need more time to think it over so you can make a wise-mind decision.

   • If you clearly do not have dread/bitterness/resentment/anger, proceed thoughtfully.

3. If you notice you would likely resent doing that request, determine your intensity of “no.”

   • If it’s a clear “no,” just say no. You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to apologize. Just lovingly say “no.” (Check out the DBT skills of DEAR MAN and FAST skills for more if you need extra support here about saying no.)

   • If you are willing to negotiate, consider what would you need to make you not feel taken advantage of or your needs not being met. For example, I am willing to write letters to lawyers, schools, etc., and yet I now charge for them. This allows me to feel that my work isn’t being taken over by paperwork and my time is valued by me and my clients.

4. If needed, set up your expectations to prevent the same request from coming up again such as saying, “No, I no longer do evening sessions.”

How to Set Boundaries After They’ve Been Crossed

Of course, you might be thinking, “What if I’m already really into this pattern and it’d be super awkward to stop doing it?”

You’re in luck. It is never too late to re-establish boundaries. You ALWAYS have revision rights. It probably will be awkward, AND it will really help your relationship in the long run. I’ve also found that most people are so glad that I’ve spoken what I’ve felt that they honestly reward me for doing it. They’ll say, “I had no idea, I’m so glad you said something” or “Oh my gosh, of course. That totally makes sense.”

Here’s my template for setting boundaries:

“When you [do x behavior}, I feel [ y emotion] which makes me want to do [ z behavior, such as pull away/attack/dread spending time with you].  Instead, I’d like for you to do [ a behavior], and that will make me want to [opposite of z behavior.]”

For example: With my clients, I’ve said (in person), “I realize I probably haven’t been clear with you about my boundaries about phone contact. My rule is that texting and calling is only for scheduling or phone coaching. I’ve noticed that when you text me on the weekend, I start to feel a little annoyed because often I’m out with my family or friends and need that time away from work, and it makes me want to ignore you. You know I care about you, and I don’t want to feel that way about you or our relationship.  Instead, I’d like for you to only contact me outside of session for therapy stuff. You can always catch me up at session if there’s something you want to tell me. If we keep it to just phone coaching and scheduling over the phone, I’ll feel so much better and it will really help our relationship. Thanks for being willing to hear this — I know it’s hard to talk about.”

Use your own language to make it feel like you. It will be easier the more you practice.

I’d love to hear from you.

What are your own boundaries that consistently are crossed?

Where are you allowing them to be crossed?

What do you need to say to your loved one to have a healthier relationship with them?

How do you notice your own feelings of resentment so that you can stop your resentment cycle?

Know that these patterns of resentment are often learned behaviors. You are not “weak.” You simply have learned to survive this way, and it’s not serving you anymore. You’ve had years of this pattern, so it will take time to change them. Give yourself lots of grace and understanding, and know that it is your responsibility to change.

Contact me if you want to work more on this.