Boundaries: What Southern Etiquette Got Wrong
“We are responsible to others and for ourselves.” NOT the other way around. Our choices are our own, and we are the only ones responsible for them. Thank goodness, because we also are NOT responsible for the feelings or choices of others. For the past few weeks, I have been mulling over this quote from Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend’s bestselling book, “Boundaries.” I picked it up after hearing great things from a friend who’s also reading it, and it’s one of those why-didn’t-I-read-this-earlier books. It’s from a Christian perspective, and it’s applicable regardless of your background. If you’re Southern like me, this may be required reading. Growing up in the South, I learned lessons about healthy boundaries much later in life.
This book has made me realize a lot of what I’ve grown to believe is out of whack. It can be so tempting to want to make others responsible for what we’ve done, saying “well he made me…”. Or even just having that creeping feeling that I’m responsible if I have friends over and someone isn’t enjoying themselves. Right? But, it’s not my job to make them happy.
Unintentional Consequences of Learning Southern Graces
It feels like so much of growing up in the South reinforced having poor boundaries. Of course, this was mostly implied.I remember watching my mom putting on lipstick on the way down to Thomasville, where her mother lived, because her mother always commented on her appearance and she wanted to please her (and avoid the criticism). There were more of these pieces of advice I learned over the years:
You can tell in someone’s face how they feel about you, not necessarily their words.
Always be nice; telling someone how you really feel could hurt their feelings, and that’s just rude.
“You’re upset with me saying no? Let me do everything I can to grovel and get back into your good graces.”
Don’t talk to other people about feeling anything other than “good,” because we don’t want others to feel uncomfortable.
Even when that person does something that you don’t like, just laugh it off.
What is our Responsibility to Others?
Over time, if we keep living our lives to please others, we actually lose our own awareness of what our boundaries are. Luckily, we don’t have to stay in these old patterns of thinking. Yes, we are responsible TO each other. No one can do everything on their own. Sometimes we need more support to carry our burdens. It’s actually okay (and not rude) to tell that person that you love, “I feel swamped and need some help with this.”
Yet, it’s also true that we are responsible to not harm others. But not harming them doesn’t mean we have to make sure that they aren’t upset with us. So it’s okay to let your friend be upset that you decided to say “no” to dinner plans because you were listening to your limits. And no you don’t “owe” ANYONE ANYTHING for going on a date with them and having them pay.
DBT Skills of Interpersonal Effectiveness
In DBT, we learn to listen to our boundaries through FAST skills to increase self-respect. S stands for to “Stick to your values.” Is honestly a value of yours? Being honest about how you feel makes you feel you’re living more in line with who you truly are. And in turn, it makes you feel like a more confident and competent person. Notice how you feel once you actually say when you’re uncomfortable with something. Often, I feel empowered, strong, and sometimes uncomfortable. But that discomfort decreases with each time I say “no” or how I feel honestly.
This is the beauty of boundaries. And of shifting our cultural norms about “being nice to not hurt anyone’s feelings.” If you’re uncomfortable, you’re allowed to voice your opinion. Say no, refuse that kiss, don’t say “oh no it’s fine” when it’s really not. You are worth listening to your boundaries OVER anyone else’s preferences!
Interested in learning more about DBT or my work as a therapist? Go to eastatlantacounseling.com.