“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Many of us are conditioned from a young age to seek approval and validation from external sources. We are praised for good grades, for accomplishments at work, or for getting the most likes on a Tik Tok video. The issue arises when our grades dip, we lose our job, or our next video doesn’t get nearly as many likes. When our sense of self-worth is tied solely to external factors, we may find ourselves giving way to a decrease in self-esteem, and paying close attention to a powerful inner critic voice that has developed. Over time, this can impact the kinds of challenges we are willing to take, the relationships that we may choose to enter and stay in, and our overall satisfaction with our lives and ourselves.

Self-worth is defined as the internal sense of being good enough and worthy of love and belonging from others (uncw.edu). When we have a strong internal sense of self-worth, we maintain self-love and acceptance even in the face of challenging external factors, like not being at the top of the class, or enduring the loss of a job. It allows us to explore our natural emotional reactions with curiosity and compassion. An internal dialogue in response to sadness or disappointment may sound like, “I understand why I would feel this way, I have overcome challenges like this in the past, and not being able to stay in that position doesn’t change how I feel about myself.” A voice of self-worth would be careful not to generalize current difficulties to more global beliefs about ourselves that we are not good enough, are failures, or are not deserving.

If you identify with having a strong inner critic, that often takes up more air time than you would like, here are a few tips to help strengthen your own sense of self-worth:

Identify your inner critic for what it is, and get to know that part of you. Look for thoughts or feelings of not being good enough, never quite getting it right, etc... How old is that voice? When did that part first get its job?
Identify a mistake or challenge you are working through, and begin to deliberately send yourself some self-compassion. Work towards a sense of forgiveness for yourself. What would you say to a friend in your situation?
Explore your own personal value system surrounding what makes a good person, what kinds of values are important to you. How can you infuse these values into future challenging situations in a way that honors your authentic self?

Engaging in positive self-talk and nurturing a sense of self-compassion is a practice. There are many self-compassion-based meditations available for free online that can serve as a good starting point for nonjudgemental observation of your emotions, and beginning to be able to send love to even the parts of ourselves that hold shame, disappointment, and fear. For those of us who have experienced early childhood attachment wounds, or traumatic events, it may feel even more challenging to connect with feelings of self-worth.

If you are having difficulty with feelings of worthlessness or accessing the parts of yourself that allow for feelings of self-worth, please consider reaching out to a mental health practitioner for guidance. Many of the therapy methods that my work is informed by, including EMDR, internal family systems, and mindful self-compassion, can be effective treatment options for resolving difficulties in finding a sense of self-worth stemming from a variety of issues.