Dear Exhausted Parents,

As all of the ongoing uncertainty surrounding the pandemic drags on, opinions and advice abound.  Recently, regarding parents’ disappointments about the possibility of virtual schooling in the fall, one Facebook post I came across is encouraging parents to “Discuss your frustrations away from the kids”, “be angry or sad in private” and “stay positive”.  I wanted to take a moment to deconstruct the myth that we have to hide our emotions from our children.  What might it look like to be vulnerable in front of them? Is hiding our emotions from our children missing an opportunity to role model what tolerating uncertainty looks like?

First, full disclaimer.  If you need a moment for yourself, to process information or to fully emote without being self conscious, by all means give yourself permission to do that.  If you feel very overwhelmed, take the time and space you need for you.  Allowing our children to see a more vulnerable side of us doesn’t mean we need to bring them into our crises before we are stabilized ourselves.  

Now, I’d like to share some observations I have made of parents navigating some very difficult emotional terrain.  When I worked as a pediatric oncology social worker, sometimes parents had to watch their children go through painful medical procedures,come to the hospital for treatments when they don’t want to, and grapple with uncertainty regarding the outcome of the treatment course.  Some parents, understandably so, would try to smile through difficult procedures or “put on a happy face” when digesting bad news.  It’s only natural to do this in an effort to protect your child.  However, your children have been studying your facial expressions, tone and posture since the day they were born.  They are keen observers of your emotions, and can identify the incongruence of your smile and your disappointment, fear or rage before you fess up to it.  To say it simply, your kids already know what’s up.  

I’ve observed a few ways children react when put in a situation where they know parents are hiding how they are really feeling.  One is, they begin to question their own emotional responses, and feel isolated and alone for having them.  Some children may blame themselves and wonder what they did wrong, or how they caused the situation.  Another outcome I have seen is children that begin to protect their parents, and in a role reversal begin caring for them emotionally.  Finally, they lose the opportunity to feel validated, and to have a role model in helping them learn emotional regulation and coping.  I make these observations without judgement, and can affirm that no parent or caregiver ever intends these subtle shifts that occur.  And the good news is, there are so many opportunities along the way to address these issues with your child and form an even deeper bond. 

So how does this apply to coping with the up’s and down’s of the pandemic?  Of whether or not kids should have play dates, can attend school in person, or have to wear a mask all day?  We as parents have an opportunity to, in an age appropriate way for the children, acknowledge and validate how badly this whole thing sucks. So next time you are frustrated and tearing up, telling your partner about how you can’t believe XYZ is happening and your child chimes in to say, “What are you talking about mommy?”, you may try inquiring, “Tell me what you understand about what we’re talking about?”.  This will provide you with a ton of insight about what they already understand, if they are having any magical thinking or unsubstantiated fears, and help identify a place for you to start a conversation.  

In this conversation, if you are able to do so considering your own mental health and emotional state, be honest with them about things they said that are true. Be vulnerable with them and identify how you are feeling, and  ask them how they are feeling as well.  If they mention an emotion that you also share, let them know.  Talk with them about what you do when you feel that way in an example your child will understand, like “Sometimes I need a break to think quietly, and then when I talk about it I feel better” or “I like to draw, paint or write a story about it”.  Leave the door open for them to circle back to you by explicitly giving them permission to let you know if they feel this away again, want to talk more, or have questions.  This doesn’t have to be a conversation heavy on facts about the scary reality we are all facing.  The goal is to share the experience with them, and work together on some positive coping strategies.

I’ve witnessed many children feel incredibly unburdened when they are free to express and share in both the highs and the lows their family unit is experiencing. I’ve learned so much more from the oncology patients and families that I have worked with than I can ever give back to them.  I am eternally grateful for my time with them how they have shaped my worldview and parenting.  May we all receive a little bit of their strength and carry it with us in the days ahead.

Warmly,

Stephanie