Guilt in the Grief Process

Every single person reading this sentence either already has faced, or will in the future, the nearly insurmountable task of mourning a deceased loved one. This universal part of life is feared and avoided by many, and for understandable reasons: losing a loved one can be immensely painful. Part of that pain is very obvious, like knowing you won’t hear their voice, feel their touch, or share another laugh together. A less obvious, but for some even more overwhelming source of pain, is the sense of guilt that accompanies death.

Was I a good enough child/parent/partner? Did I do all that I could to keep them safe and prevent their death? Did I make the right choices, and were they suffering? Did I hug them and kiss them enough? Was I enough? Will feeling sad keep me attached to them? Do I deserve to be happy again?

Part of the mourning process becomes not just missing the person you said goodbye to, but also examining the person you were, the person you were in relationship to your deceased loved one, and the person you are today. It may mean examining any feelings of shame that arise, boundaries that prevented relationships from fully developing, and anger towards yourself or loved ones for unfinished business. It may also mean dealing with the guilt that comes from other relationships that may be suffering due to your grief, like having less time or emotional energy to spend on your partner or children.

How your culture and family system handles grief can also impact your perception of how you need to be feeling or coping with loss. Sometimes there is an invisible hierarchy that gets created by surviving family and friends that places guidelines on who was closest to the deceased person, who is entitled to feel which emotions, and what a “normal” grief reaction looks like. Not meeting these often unspoken expectations can also contribute to feelings of guilt that you aren’t “bouncing back”, or alternatively that you aren’t feeling as sad as you should be.

Many who have lost loved ones will tell you, the pain does not go away, but becomes a part of you. There is no easy fix. Some say time heals all wounds. Some find comfort in a support group or with a therapist who speaks their language. While the path looks different for everyone, many people I have encountered over the years dealing with immense tragedy and loss are oftentimes able to transform that pain into love. Love that looks like creating a legacy by keeping memories of your loved one alive. Love that looks like loving yourself again and treating yourself with compassion and forgiveness. Love that looks like allowing yourself to breathe, feel, and laugh again. And love that looks like a kinder, gentler approach to the world, that acknowledges we are all in this together and we’re all we've got.

If you are needing a safe space to process feelings of guilt and shame that often accompany the tragedy of losing a loved one, please connect with me at stephanie@eastatlantacounseling.com.

Warmly, Stephanie